Babies and Critters #4

And now the exciting conclusion to my 4 part series "Babies and Critters"!
Intro: Everyone always says that when couples get a pet together, they're really just prepping for a baby. It's true on only the most basic level. You are going to try to keep a living thing living. Food, water, shelter, doctor visits and affection. The same things a baby needs, right? Holy cow, did I really used to think that? Having pets and a baby is totally different life than just having one or the other.

Life #4: 2 dogs, a cat and a baby (worst sitcom title ever)
Morning: Wake up @ 4 am, baby is hungry. Feed baby, come back to find dog in your spot, fight for space in bed, go back to sleep for an hour and a half until alarm goes off. Alarm goes off. Groggily turn on bedside lamp. Dog 1 immediately decides that you are now awake and must therefore devote all attention to him. To get your attention he will either a) stand on your bladder or b) bark loudly millimeters from your head or on super special days c) a & b. Finally get out of bed. Dear, sweet husband takes dogs outside to pee while you shower. After shower, change baby and attempt to keep her entertained while you finish getting ready. If placed on floor to play, baby instantly hones in on where the dog toys are and heads for them. 75% of the time baby gets there before either you or dog. Baby then places disgusting, drool and fur covered toy in mouth. Minor heart attack and brief bout of gagging later, you wrest the dog toy out of baby's mouth and hands much to her dismay. Repeat this process ad nauseum for the rest of the morning. Feed dogs, put Dog 1 in kennel. Put all of baby's toys in baby's room and shut door. Cat looks on in disgust. Leave for work. Come back inside to feed cat. Really leave for work.

Evening: Arrive home. Husband is loaded down with bags and baby you are both greeted by Dog 2. Dog 1 barks excitedly from his kennel, sounds like he is going to rip the wire cage to shreds. Cat noticing your distracted state coming in the door, bolts outside. Husband puts down baby and bags and retrieves Cat while you let Dog 2 out of kennel. Husband braces self for 60lbs of pure muscle barreling at full speed towards crotch. You sigh and resign yourself to only having one child. Excitement settles down long enough for one of you to leash up the dogs and go outside. The other one begins unloading baby and bags. Set baby on floor to play. Baby finds the one toy you missed this morning and puts it in mouth. Repeat steps from morning. Baby finally becomes content with whatever paltry toy you substitute for dog toy. Appeasement lasts approximately 3 minutes. Baby finds clump of fur on carpet. You sprint full speed, hurtling both dogs in a single bound, to snatch clump of fur from baby's grasp mere seconds before it hits her mouth. Husband scoops up baby to keep her entertained and not ingesting fur. Cat looks on in disgust. Settle down on couch for 9.6 seconds. Dog 1 barks and looks at door. Dog 2 whines and paws at your leg. Husband and you look at one another and silently curse each other for not springing up to take dogs out. Battle of wills ensues. Who can stand to pretend to ignore the dogs longer? One of you gives in and takes dogs back outside. Come back rest for 20 minutes. Cat slips into lap of person not holding baby. Brief calm and peace. Baby needs clean diaper, dogs want out, chaos ensues right as Jon Stewart gets to the punch line of what was probably a hilarious joke, you'll never know, dogs were barking and baby was fussing. You curse getting rid of cable and losing your DVR. Feed baby dinner. Dog 1 and Dog 2 realize baby has food on tray and hands. Commence licking baby. Cat looks on in disgust. Finish feeding baby. Bath time for baby. Box out Dog 2 away from tub and trying to drink baby's bath water. Box out Dog 1 from licking baby's face while in bath tub. Finish bath time. Change baby into pajamas and read story. Towards end of story as baby starts to drift off to sleep Dog 1 and Dog 2 start playing with each other...loudly. Dog 1 barks loudly as they tear through the house. Baby seems undisturbed. Place baby in crib. Dog 1 approaches crib. And barks. At baby. You grab Dog 1 by collar and drag him out room with threats of becoming a rug if he wakes up baby. Dog 1 is suitably impressed by your meaningless threats and apologizes by licking your hand. Heart melts and you tell him good boy and take back all the horrible thoughts you just had about him. Dog 2 wants in on the loving. Scratch both dogs contentedly for a moment. Go to bed. Dog 1 and Dog 2 follow suit and curl up in bed with you. Husband retires to couch to finish watching The Daily Show. Cat curls up with husband and purrs. Husband later gets off couch, feeds cat and then goes to bed. Both dogs are in husband's spot. You wake up and help husband remove dogs from bed. Husband lays down and is asleep. Both of you wake up periodically through the night cursing the dogs that, at night, acquire the density of a black hole and cannot be moved no matter how bad your back hurts or how unnaturally your body is contorted. Sleep.


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